Incapacitated

I have been completely incapacitated by my mental health the past few days. Hardly able to get up and moving around the house and damn near impossible to leave it. There are many factors as to why my anxiety and depression are both so wildly out of control. Not having a “normal” 9-5 job (even though I don’t want a 9-5 full time job, nor do I need it), residual Covid anxiety about going out in public (even though I’m vaccinated), the constant fear that “I’m not enough, I’m not doing enough” keeps resounding through my mind, the frustration felt due to my bigoted and homophobic extended family, the anger I feel toward the deaths in my family due to familial ignorance (and not believing in Covid), I feel like I should have my “forever” job or task. Something I’m passionate about and want to do the rest of my life, and I know how stupid that is, especially when I type it out, but it’s still there, underneath it all, worry, worry, worry. I should be exercising more, I should be eating better, I should be reading more, I should be teaching, I should be more active in the community, I should be creating more, I should be more, more, more. And then I find I can’t do anything. Yesterday was a somewhat intentional do nothing day. I find that the incapacitated feeling passes sooner when I allow myself to do nothing for an extended period of time. I think it would help if I also stayed off of social media when I’m having an intentional do nothing day… I’ll work on that.

June 24, 2021 0

How Do Social?

I believe I’ve forgotten how to be social, or how to comfortably leave the house. My mental state feels so fragile. I feel stressed and overwhelmed by the different mask rules from business to business. The politicalization of wearing (or not wearing) a mask seems to be an issue for everyone now. People who are vaccinated but continue to wear a mask for the sole reason that “they don’t want to look like a republican” which means wearing a mask means you “look” like a liberal. There are a myriad of reasons to continue wearing a mask, but political identity is not one.

My strawberries are ripening. The birds haven’t discovered them yet. Their secrets are mine alone.

I just can’t seem to get up and going. I want to read any of my many books piling up, but I can’t seem to just sit and focus. I feel like I should be doing more, more, more. But I literally have nothing to do AND that should be FINE… I watered the plants, I had breakfast and lunch, I feel like I’m walking in circles. Just sitting down and typing this is a challenge.

Ash is chattering at the chickadees and bushtits eating of the suet feeder.

Maybe I’ll crochet. To create should be fulfilling… right?

June 22, 2021 0

Getting Back Into Yoga

When the pandemic shut everything down in the US roughly around this time last year, I dove into my yoga practice not only for myself, but to share with others while we attempted to social distance and stay home as much as possible. Daily meditations, live streaming yoga practices two, three times a week, no longer spending money on things I did not really need, any time I went out, it had to be intentionally, no more just meandering through stores, and so on. Slowly my practice became more irregular, my reading lessened and home became distracting instead of a peaceful retreat. I decided to go back to work full time and quickly realized that working full time at minimum wage was not worth it (poor either way) so I cut back my hours and changed jobs. Currently I’m still seeking balance. Yet again I am reminded that our value does not come from the dollar amount on our paycheck or the title of our profession. Careers do not create fulfilling lives and even the most humanitarian job cannot be expected to be what gives us purpose in life. (Oh how quick to forget and slow I am to remember this until I’m knee deep in existential crisis).

I have found a studio and committed to going every Monday to practice Hatha Hot yoga. Really the scholarship they gave out is truly what allowed me to continue my practice. As I said above, minimum wage leaves you always lacking money, no matter how many hours you work. With that commitment as well as re-discovering my love of the study of nutrition while attending the training for yet another new job of mine (Home Care Aide), I have begun to see significant changes in my health, energy, motivation, outlook, etc. I am intentionally drinking 40+ ounces of water a day. After 3 days of consuming that much water a day, I now feel a bit lost without it, my body has adjusted and with this water intake and exercise, I find that my food cravings and hunger have changed as well.

I began tracking my water and food intake through the app and website ChooseMyPlate.gov After two weeks of tracking the nutrients I intake, I have yet to eat enough protein in one day. Knowing about empty calories and foods that are just “filler” have changed the way I think about eating. I’m to the point now that if it’s not a veggie or a fruit, it better have protein or else its not going in my body (coffee and tea are my one exception to this rule). I have slowly begun to truly monitor my serving sizes, measuring out foods based on the recommended serving size (found on the nutrition label) and this has been eye opening. Just the other day I measured out the serving size of CheezIts… 27 crackers… Really, thats a small handful. I am not so strict that I deprive my body from food, I’m just more picky about what food I eat. I did separate out the CheezIts (I really enjoy CheezIts) and I still eat them, I just now know what I’m eating and how much I’m eating. Being in the habit of portioning what I eat has made this task easy and not take really any additional time when getting snacks or having a meal. Implementing other “tricks” like for every sip of coffee I have, I take a sip of water has helped as well to slow down how much coffee I intake. Again, I slowly implemented drinking 40 ounces of water and balancing food intake, this doesn’t just happen over night. And I am doing this for myself, I am enjoying knowing and taking the time in my day to do these things. Changing ones lifestyle works best when it is a choice (not something forced upon us).

My next goal is to get back into a reading habit. I have really slowed down my reading because of all the life changes and because of feeling restless. I want to fill my mind with thought provoking literature. I want to read and reflect and have conversations about what I read and experience in life. I have reached out to the studio I currently go to (Olympia Hot Yoga) as well as my yogis who I trained under (Bare Yogis) and I am intentionally seeking to be more involved in the yoga community. To participate as well as to organize, lead, and assist others on this yoga journey.

April 6, 2021 0

A Submissive’s Apology

You do not gain

The privilege of

Being my dom/

By receiving

Permission from

Another./

That comes from

Alone./

You are allowed

To play

Pretend/

To get your

Rocks off

Thinking/

You

Have any

Power at all.

July 30, 2020 0

Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Love You

Your boyfriend doesn’t love you

He just wants to fuck you

Cause he knows “I love you”

Is the fastest way in between those thighs

Those same thighs

he makes you feel insecure about

When walking at the mall

Noticing other women’s

Thigh gap

Instead of solidarity

With the women objectified

We join in the patriarchy’s game

And hold each other down

July 29, 2020 0

“I’ll Always Love You”

There have been people in my life

Whom I told that I loved

But really, I did not

There have been loves in my life

For whom I professed my love

And though verbally,

The phrase was returned

The actions did not align with the words

I have made promises to love one being

Forever

I have made commitments

I have written vows

I have claimed an everlasting passion

And even as I clung to a person

A love

A being I cherished above all else

I can say, that forever did not last

It hardly began

Before it was lost.

And now, again I love

And I want to promise forever

I want to dream of a life together

That lasts generations

And I hear her say

I will always love you

To a past lover

And I know

She will not

And I know

That though I want

those words

That eternal love

Is not a promise

That can be kept.

The phrase causes me to spit

The bile of disgust

Of the idea

Forever.

There is no such time

Always.

There is no such thing

We can have today,

Really we can have now

And now is more than enough.

I am raw with shame

of the promises I made

That were impossible

To keep, let alone to exist

In the first place.

July 29, 2020 0

Nothingness, Somethingness

I feel like I am nothing. Like I know nothing, like I am incapable of learning. I feel like the universe is so large and independent, that nothing I do, think, say, create, put energy into matters. I feel like just thinking about creating or doing anything is overwhelming and pointless. So much of what we consume, of what we spend our limited time in existence on really matters. I feel like a space cadet, floating, observing, watching the oxygen deplete and continuing to breathe as normal. I watch the world around me, continue on, never giving a second thought to what is, was, and will be.

July 6, 2020 0

It’s 2 am

It’s 2am and I’m thinking of you
My body is sore and my muscles ache from work
And all I can think about is having your arms around me
Skin to skin
Breathing in sync.
It’s 2am and I should be asleep
I should be
At least tired
But here I am,
Heart racing
Thinking of the thrill of you
Of your touch
Of your attention
It’s 2am
And I don’t want to fall asleep
Alone
My lips want to press
Against
The back of your neck
I want to bury myself
In your embrace
You
Hold
My
Being
Without restricting
Touching my face
With your fingertips
Telling me I’m safe
That you’ve got me
And I am held
And I know
I know
You will be there
In the morning

May 17, 2020 0

Wake Up & Break Up

Another “I love you” but your lifestyle doesn’t work for me.

Another let’s get intensely close, then I’m going to back away.

Another “we need to talk” foreboding message, giving the phrase more stomach churning power, rather than a phrase that indicates communication is important (and not painful).

Another building up of a relationship to have my feet knocked from beneath me.

Rise and shine beautiful. You’re so beautiful. You’re so sexy. You’re so hot. But I’d rather not.

Tell me you love me for the first time and in the same sentence say goodbye.

I hope you also have a wonderful rest of your day. There’s no better way to wake up than to say goodbye to someone you thought you could love.

May 1, 2020 0